The Challenge of Interpersonal Conflict or What to do with the Butterfly Dance

Probably one of the things which nearly everyone finds challenging if not outright scary is dealing with interpersonal conflict.  This is made worse when dealing with someone whose emotional engagement seems to overwhelm their ability to maintain respectful boundaries.

some examples

• When discussing statistics which indicate a lower performance of a business group, the individual in charge of the business group becomes angry and with raised voice, nearly yelling, starts to verbally attack the presenter, the source of the data and who asked for the report.  The belligerence increased to the point the conversation had to be delayed.
• A supervisor pounds the desk with his fist while practically yelling at a direct report, dictating a course of action whether it was liked or not.
• A colleague attempts to manipulate a decision by becoming loud, claiming the moral high ground, and suggesting that if the colleague doesn't go along with a decision that he would simply go over his colleague's head, intimating that it might affect their boss's opinion.
• A colleague attempts to manipulate a decision by expressing tears and an emotional connection, again claiming the moral high ground and pleading for their colleague to do the right thing even though clearly against policy and best practices.

All of these kind of things and more cause the butterfly dance to take place within my stomach.  My hands get sweaty, my voice seems to go up and become somewhat quavery.  Worst of all I feel threatened and my fight or flight biological response is definitely recommending a course of action (usually the wrong one).

Here are some thing which I have learned and am learning in situations like these and the many others which can cause the butterfly dance.

1.  Don't fight and don't flee - instead take a deep breath and ask yourself what might be going on inside of the other person's brain to act this way?   What could be their motive?  Are they feeling threatened?  Scared?

2.  Take another deep breath - trust me, your brain needs the extra oxygen and you need the extra seconds to process the questions asked above.

3.  Don't answer the immediate question, ask for clarification on any point related to the challenge.  It doesn't even matter what point.  Just ask the question.  This gives your brain more time and more oxygen (if you are remembering to breathe).  If you are fortunate, it can also side-track the challenge back into rational territory.

4.  If the belligerence continues, ask the direct question:  "This seems to be an emotional issue for you, would you like to talk about that?"  or "...do you need some time to calm down?"  or anything which gets the elephant in the room out in the open.

5.  Choose your battles carefully, some things are simply not worth bleeding over and others are worth dying for.  Don't burn a bridge you will likely have to cross in the near future (don't wreck a relationship for the sake of your ego wanting to WIN, i.e. you are giving in to the "fight" reflex).

6.  Don't become defensive.  If there is truth in what is being said, own it, acknowledge it, and learn from it.

Now, don't get the impression that I actually do all of this all of the time, I don't, but I am trying.  I'm pretty sure this falls under emotional intelligence and I definitely have room for improvement.

What do you do when you get the "butterfly dance" in your stomach?